the desire to be dissolved

If I could rewind
Both the hands of time
Still I would never find
A lovelier design than you¹

The grief feels so unbearable this month — this is the first birthday I’ve had to celebrate without our little girl. I don’t have any enlightened ruminations or properly digested thoughts on how I am trying to move forward this month. The sadness is still here, clinging, chiseled into my bones. Every day is a little bit different, but this month felt like I was drowning.

This was the first year I have had to twiddle my fingers around my birthday cake, the first time where I had to look at the faces of those who I love and care deeply for with a hollow expression in a moment of my celebration. I was so accustomed to holding Ozilla during ‘Happy Birthday,’ so prepared to feign surprise when she would try to lean in and take a nibble of the whipped cream topping. And all I could think about was hoping I could make it through the minute-long song without tears in my eyes.

Hopefully next month I will have something a little more sophisticated and well-executed. This month was tough. It feels like I lost.

Here’s to another ‘first’ without our little girl.

1. B.o.B, “Lovelier Than You” ↩︎