the desire to be dissolved

I have tried this numerous times in the past — I was rather unsuccessful. Maybe nth time is the final charm?

The purpose here is to find a space where I might be able to put out the things that swirl around in my head and in my desktop — it’s kind of sad that most of the thoughts, ramblings, ideas, and words that float around just tend to remain enclosed in the ether of OneDrive or in my Moleskine. I don’t anticipate that this will be a high traffic blog, and I really don’t expect that this collection of “curated” posts will be of any use for anyone but myself.

However, I’m currently going into year five of my PhD and I’ve learned quite a bit along the way; I have finally defeated the proverbial “year four slump” that seems to a rite of passage in grad school for a few folks, and I guess that means I’m at a moment in my life where I feel like I’m kind of doing something that is meaningful for me.

After four years in graduate school, I am:

• Mourning and celebrating that the first group of students I encountered have a) already graduated OR b) are on their way to graduation this year.
• About to start the dissertation process — and super concerned about what that kind of “research freedom” will look like.
• Thinking about the official processes I will be jumping through hoops for, like… fellowships. Yikes. How can I successful con(vince) people to generously donate money to fund my project so I won’t have to abide by the stipulations of my program?
• Kind of questioning if the academic world is going to survive long enough for me to even imagine the process of filling out applications for and applying to TT positions (author’s note: I’m not convinced).
• Still finding new things about student education and lifestyle that means adapting my teaching style every single year, quarter-to-quarter.

The purpose of this blog space is not to provide a means to circumvent an existential crisis as I continue the PhD journey (that’s what therapy and family trauma dump sessions are for, right?). I guess I’m using this as an outlet to provide insight to the labor that I’m undertaking — in the name of the academic institution — but also experiences when it comes to teaching. As someone who teaches writing, I’ve learned some great things along the way and had positive experiences with students who have shaped my abilities to be a versatile instructor that gives them a set of tools to utilize beyond the structure of arts & humanities (four years of 100% feedback can’t be a lie, can it?).

I also want to encourage anyone (who might be reading and listening) to offer commentary or ideas, ask questions or push back on things that transpire here. The great thing about writing and the academic world is that meaningful questions and critical engagement just make me want to be a more accessible, resourceful, and understanding individual to those who come from backgrounds and experiences that are different from my own. But I also think teaching, writing, and research changes, so it’s important for me to be open to those developments and changes.